I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
