can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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