I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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