she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
