2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm getting married
To pizza
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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