best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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