u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
