Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
