Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
