Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
