true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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