id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
