His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
