I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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