Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
