dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
