I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
