and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
