booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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