Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
