you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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