alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
