just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
