dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
