She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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