My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize