I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
