Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
