You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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