She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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