FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
