i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
