I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
