I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
