Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
