i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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