My liver just broke up with me...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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