Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
