i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
