theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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