God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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