Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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