I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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