I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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