guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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