if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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