Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
