Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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