I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
