I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
