when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
40s are totally the cure
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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