You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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