Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
