I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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